Disney reboots The Muppets with this tale of the furry friends reuniting to try and save their old theatre from demolition. It’s been many years since The Muppets last performed together, having all gone their separate ways. Evil oil tycoon Tex Richman (Chris Cooper, clearly enjoying himself – but then who wouldn’t with a character name like that?) wants to bulldoze the old Muppet Theater in order to drill for oil. Brothers and lifelong muppet fans Jason Segel and Walter (actually a muppet, though he’s oblivious to the fact) decide to try and save it by convincing Kermit the Frog to round up the old gang for one last fundraising show.
There’s a lot to like here, but it’s not quite as satisfying as it should be. Undoubtedly it’s a pleasure to have the Muppets back – not just onscreen, but back as themselves. It’s been a long time since we saw them as they were on the classic TV show, and the film is at its best when a sense of that old anarchy comes in to play as they try to put on a variety show that is plainly very very silly. Just feel the grin on your face when the old opening theme starts up.
But there’s also a love and nostalgia for the characters that periodically threatens to suffocate the film. After Kermit delivers yet another heartfelt pearl of wisdom, you may find yourself rolling your eyes. Happily it’s not too often, and though the film sags around the middle as the reunion threatens to fall apart, it picks up again in the final act. The musical set pieces are a genuine joy.
Adults who remember the Muppets from their childhood will enjoy this film the most; small fry will like it too, but will probably wonder what all the fuss is about.
That bastion of British horror, Hammer, returns to the big screen with this loose but respectable adaptation of the Susan Hill’s classic ghost story. A solicitor from London (Daniel Radcliffe) is sent to remote Eel Marsh House to sort through the papers of its recently deceased owner, Mrs Drablow. There he meets hostile local villagers who fear the house and want him to leave (a long and proud Hammer tradition), and a mysterious figure in black (natch) starts popping up in unexpected places.
In the tradition of classic English ghost stories and old haunted house movies like The Haunting (1963), director James Watkins creates a suitably gothic atmosphere and a handful of genuine scares. It’s a great pleasure to see a haunted house thriller that takes its time and earns its chills honestly, though it does have a few cheap Boo! moments too. But he doesn’t really bring anything new to the table and the film is a tad too restrained for its own good. Daniel Radcliffe – in his first lead role since the Harry Potter series – is a bit stiff to begin with, but eventually settles down nicely in to the role of a man wrestling with the afterlife.
Let’s be honest: nobody enjoys ironing. There’s usually something far more important to do than moving a hot slab of metal over a pile of dry clothes that have been gathering dust in the spare room for longer than you’d care to admit. Like descaling the kettle, for example.
But fear not – cinema rides to the rescue! Why not put this tedious task to good use by watching a film at the same time? Ironing demands a certain amount of attention (you don’t want to risk ruining your other half’s favourite top) but you can usually spare enough brain power to keep up with a movie that requires very little mental capacity to enjoy.
There is an art to choosing a good film to iron to (stay with me). It should be light, undemanding, familiar – being predictable is a good thing (no taxing plots or deep philosophising). It should not involve subtitles (you’ll be looking down at the ironing board for much of the time), and should be fun enough to keep you going through 90 minutes of hot steamy pressing (er… yes). Basically, anything that gets shown on ITV. And hopefully there will be a bit left over for you to enjoy with your feet up once the hard work’s out of the way. So here’s my ten suggested films to iron to:
1. You’ve Got Mail (1998)
Ok, so this Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan vehicle isn’t a patch on their earlier Sleepless in Seattle collaboration, but it gets by on the charm of its two leads – which makes it ideal fodder for ironing. Revel in the light romantic banter while you try to get the creases out of that shirt.
2. The Scorpion King (2002)
This disposable spin-off from Universal’s Mummy franchise is a simplistic fantasy adventure romp starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. Forget the plot – the writers certainly did – and instead enjoy the well-staged action and Johnson’s rippling torso.
3. Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
In the mood for something a touch more futuristic? Look no further than this bank holiday favourite, which has endless scenes of people standing around staring at spectacular alien vistas – making it perfect for the humble ironer to keep up with.
4. The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
To be honest, any pre-90s Bond movie would suffice. But Roger Moore’s light-hearted stint as the super spy makes him ideal company for the ironer. So I suggest this, the definitive Moore entry; it’s got all the action and raised eyebrows you could possibly want. Alternatively, if you’re worried it’s too much fun to waste on ironing, go with the dodgy Moonraker, which might actually improve if you’re only watching it with one eye.
5. The Princess Bride (1987)
This irreverent, amusing, romantic fairy tale pastiche is cinema’s equivalent of the little black dress – perfect for any occasion. You know how it goes, even if you’ve never seen it before. So stick it on; you can always blame the heat of the iron if you find you need to dab your eyes at the end.
6. Flash Gordon (1980)
For joyously silly comic book nonsense, nothing can come close to Mike Hodges’ 1980 adaptation of the sci-fi hero. Plenty here for the ironer to enjoy: colourful sets, a rocking Queen soundtrack and one of the most eclectic casts ever to grace a film set. Brian Blessed alone makes this essential ironing viewing.
7. Superman II (1980)
More comic book shenanigans, this time with Christopher Reeve as the Man of Steel. The first film is better but is deserving of your full attention, so instead go with this less essential sequel, which is campier and has Terence Stamp doing his villainous thing. All together now: “Kneel before Zod!”
8. The Magnificent Seven (1960)
Another bank holiday favourite, this is easy to follow (cowboy in black recruits other cowboys one by one to help defend village against evil bandits), has a brilliant cast (Brynner, McQueen, Bronson, Coburn, et al) and can boast a theme you’ll be whistling for days afterwards. Possibly too good for ironing duties, but you’ve seen it before, right?
9. Ben-Hur (1959)
When there’s so much ironing you’ve literally resorted to wearing plastic bin bags because everything else is in the wash, this is the film to put on. A gargantuan running time, classic set-pieces (the chariot race of course, plus that terrific sea battle) and a truly epic production allow plenty of opportunity for you to try and fix those tricky trouser creases.
10. A Shot in the Dark (1964)
Finally a dose of Inspector Clouseau to keep your spirits up if the ironing is getting you down. Any Pink Panther film should do the trick (so long as it stars Peter Sellers), but this one is probably the best of the lot. It also has the distinct advantage of containing that memorable nudist camp sequence. “Give me ten men like Clouseau and I could destroy the world…”
So Michael Bay has signed on to direct Transformers 4. For the love of God, this has to stop.
Michael Bay illustrating the size of his last paycheck
Those of you familiar with my older blog stuff will know that I was, and still am, quite a big fan of The Transformers. It was the all-consuming passion of my childhood: I bought the toys, watched the cartoons, collected the Marvel comics. For fans, the prospect of a live-action movie adaptation was an outlandish pipe dream, doomed never to see the light of day after the 1980s craze for the Robots in Disguise inevitably burnt itself out.
Then a funny thing happened: Hollywood went and made one. With the big studios increasingly turning to established properties and brand names in their search for bankable hits, and with special effects technology having matured to the point where it was both technically and economically viable, it was only a matter of time before Optimus Prime and company conquered the multiplex, having already succeeded on so many other media platforms. Even better, Steven Spielberg himself signed on to executive produce. What could possibly go wrong?
Well, in two words: Michael Bay. Actually, to be fair, I did enjoy the first movie. No, it wasn’t the epic experience I had been dreaming about for twenty years, but it captured something of the spirit of the early comics and cartoons, and certainly had plenty of action and spectacle to dazzle the eyeballs. Crucially, it also had a human dimension on which to hang the tale of warring robots – a necessary entry point for newcomers as well as old timers like myself. As Spielberg himself pitched it, it was the story of a boy and his car. You could quibble about the casting, the changes to established Transformers mythology, or the flimsy plot, but to me it was a satisfying experience; and there was plenty of scope for future installments to build upon its foundations whilst delving deeper in to the franchise’s rich history.
That’s the frustrating thing about being a TF fan. Too often they are dismissed as a cheap toy series for kids whose convoluted backstory is childish nonsense and whose carcass has provided rich pickings for Hollywood. Sorry, but this just isn’t true. It was the UK Marvel comics (populated by a talented and enthusiastic bunch of artists and writers, led by the brilliant Simon Furman) that treated these characters with real respect and developed a series of gripping, intriguing, and thought-provoking stories told on an epic scale which fired the imagination.
Grimlock – Michael Heseltine in disguise?
Bringing together a variety of different genres – not just adventure and science fiction, but also fantasy, horror, comedy, even noir – the best of these tales were real page-turners for boys (and maybe girls too) of a certain age. There was even politics on offer. One long-running storyline concerned the prolonged absence of an elected Autobot leader following the death of Optimus Prime and the potential candidates in the running to take over. I like to think this was a political commentary on the state of the Conservative Party at the time (the aggressive Grimlock/Michael Heseltine (delete as appropriate) vies for the post as soon as it is vacant, without a great deal of internal support).
Incredible as it may sound, these robotic characters were vividly brought to life with distinctive personalities and relationships. Of course there were a few duds, as with any comic (usually they were the imported American strips…), but there was a genuine consistency in its quality of output. So good was his standard of storytelling that Furman was put in charge of the US Marvel TF comic, and he’s been writing TF comic scripts on and off ever since.
I know that these characters are interesting and I’ve seen great stories told with them. So it was sad to see what Michael Bay did with his first sequel, Revenge of the Fallen. The plot had tantalising possibilities as it indeed reached back in to its own version of Transformers lore, but the least satisfying parts of the first film were this time promoted to the front line: the tedious humour was made longer and even less funny, the characters became sillier, the action noisier and more confusing. It became clear that Bay had no real interest in the Transformers themselves beyond grabbing them like a five-year old and smashing them together for the sake of instant gratification. All he saw was cool action scenes involving giant robots. Hey, we all want cool action scenes with giant robots; of course we do. But we also want strong characters and a good story – things that seem to elude him, or he is content to ignore.
The third film, Dark of the Moon, promised to fix the problems in the second and return the series to the tone of the first, with even more impressive action. We got the impressive action, but everything else about the threequel was a dismal failure. The worst entry in the series yet, it was a loud, obnoxious bore, content to deafen us with ever larger scenes of mass destruction, intermittently broken up with ogling shots of the new female lead. It left a nasty taste in the mouth, and the closing scenes confirmed that Bay now appeared to view the Transformers with utter contempt. Unfortunately, it was also staggeringly successful at the box office.
Now comes news that the director has signed on for part four. This means two things: that enough truckloads of cash were dumped on Bay’s front porch to make him sign on the dotted line, and we’ll be getting more of Bay’s own “interpretation” of The Transformers. Which is nothing short of a disaster. PR guff about how the next film will deliver “a whole new re-imagining of Transformers” do little to assuage one’s fears, despite the fact that he has apparently been developing an idea with Spielberg in recent months.
Spielberg’s diminishing influence on the series is all too apparent; a shame, as it is probably only he who could take the series away from Bay and place it in the hands of someone with a greater understanding of the franchise’s potential. The best thing they could do is start from scratch: hire a director who appreciates the material, leaf through some of the classic comics and adapt one of the great stories (like Target: 2006 for example, or Wanted: Galvatron – Dead or Alive). My dearest wish is to see Death’s Head on the big screen – but not if Michael Bay is calling the shots.
The start of an occasional series: a list of my favourite films, scenes, actors or whatever else might take my fancy. To kick off, here’s a list of ten of my favourite thrillers, in no particular order. I originally published this a few years ago and was surprised to find that it still works for me today. The only tweak I made is the choice of Bond film (the one listed below replaces You Only Live Twice, my original selection). The Thriller as a genre is wide open to interpretation of course: there are plenty of others I could add, but hey – you have to start somewhere, right?
1. The Third Man (1949)
Orson Welles is unforgettable in this truly excellent noir thriller set in a murky post-war Vienna. Harry Lime (Welles) has died in a car crash; old friend Holly Martins (Joseph Cotten) arrives in the city to investigate and uncovers more than he bargained for. Superb photography, script and score; probably the greatest British film ever made.
2. Die Hard (1988)
An ingenious premise: Bruce Willis stranded in a skyscraper taken over by terrorists. By keeping the story confined to a single location, director John McTiernan lets the tension (and action) build as cop John McClane (Willis) and his German nemesis Hans Gruber (the brilliant Alan Rickman) try to outwit each other.
3. The 39 Steps (1935)
Arguably Alfred Hitchcock’s finest British film, this is a glorious chase movie. The innocent Richard Hannay (dapper Robert Donat) is forced to go on the run after being framed for the murder of a secret agent. The corkscrew plot, atmospheric Scottish locations and delicious chemistry between the two leads once Hannay gets handcuffed to a reluctant accomplice (Madeleine Carroll) make this a solid-gold classic.
4. North By Northwest (1959)
Another Hitchcock classic, and every bit as good as The 39 Steps. Cary Grant is the innocent man on the run this time, mistaken for an assassin at the United Nations. The epic chase that follows, as he flees across the Unites States trying to keep one step ahead of the mysterious criminal organisation led by James Mason, is memorable set-piece after memorable set-piece.
5. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Steven Spielberg’s recreation of vintage 1930s Saturday morning adventure serials is a fantastic ripping yarn in its own right. This old-fashioned escapism has been imitated many times over the years but has still to be bettered. After starring as the adventuring archaeologist Indiana Jones here, it became Harrison Ford’s signature role.
6. From Russia With Love (1963)
Everyone has their favourite James Bond film, and this list wouldn’t be complete without one. My personal fave is the second of Sean Connery’s outings, when the heady mixture of action, intrigue, fiendish plots, and exotic locales and ladies was still fresh – before the series moved in to more outlandish pastures.
7. Where Eagles Dare (1968)
This fantastic WW2 men-on-a-mission tale (written by Alistair Maclean) has all the ingredients for a classic wartime thriller. A team of paratroopers, led by Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood, is sent into Austria to recover a captured General. Double and triple crosses galore, plus Clint wiping out half the German army with his machine gun – what’s not to like? Brilliant soundtrack from Ron Goodwin too.
8. L.A. Confidential (1997)
Thoroughly engrossing noir tale set in the seedy underbelly of 1950s Los Angeles, complete with femmes fatales and corrupt cops. The dense plot winds up with a thrilling shootout between bad guys and unlikely allies Bud (Russell Crowe) and Ed (Guy Pearce). One of the best films from the 1990s.
9. Jaws (1975)
Before Indy, Spielberg had already redefined popular cinema with this blockbuster yarn about a rogue white shark menacing the small town of Amity Island. The chair-gripping opening sequence is unforgettable, but it really kicks into gear once we’re shark-hunting on the high seas with the 3 Rs (Roy Scheider, Robert Shaw and Richard Dreyfuss).
10. The Terminator (1984)
Straying slightly into sci-fi territory here, but James Cameron’s tale of the relentless cyborg from the future tracking down the woman who will give birth to the future saviour of mankind is one of the great action thrillers. Schwarzenegger’s powerful presence and minimal acting ability is put to fantastic use, while director Cameron piles on the suspense.
Having recently reviewed The Fly, I feel duty-bound to take a look at its much maligned sequel. I am something of a completist when it comes to genre films, and I hadn’t seen the follow-up to Cronenberg’s brilliant re-imagining (as it would doubtless be described in Hollywood today) in quite some time. Invariably it receives pretty withering reviews, but who knows? Perhaps time had been kind to it. Optimism is my middle name! (Not really.)
Sadly, I can confirm that this is not the case. The Fly II remains an ineffectual horror that skirts around a handful of potentially interesting ideas but commits to nothing except upping the goo factor. The emotional core of its predecessor was the relationship between Jeff Goldblum’s scientific genius and Geena Davis’ journalist; a witty, touching and ultimately heartbreaking love story. The attempt to replicate that here between Goldblum and Davis’ son Martin, played by Eric Stoltz, and a research scientist (Daphne Zuniga) also employed by Bartok emphatically fails to match it.
Chris Walas, who won an Oscar for his creature make-up in the first film, steps in to the director’s chair and is clearly out of his depth. Where Cronenberg utterly rejected the 1950s monster movie formula of cardboard characters, simplistic plots and nonsensical science, The Fly II quickly settles down into this well trodden path. Whether it’s the dumb scientists who divide their time between torturing test subjects and sleeping when they should be observing, the obnoxiously evil security guard who so thoroughly deserves his inevitable sticky demise, or the ruthless industrialist only out to make a buck, it’s all so terribly predictable.
There’s also a detectable movement away from the adult tone of The Fly towards a more adolescent audience. The big conclusion forgoes the moving operatic tragedy of part one in favour of a big monster stalking corridors, bumping people off one by one – and even this is not particularly exciting or suspenseful. The final shot is certainly grim, but feels needlessly nasty and unpleasant.
Neither does it have any of the subtlety seen in the original. Cronenberg injected a touch of dark humour with Brundle’s transformation (such as memorably vomiting over a box of doughnuts before eating them). Part two slavishly following the equation “More = Better” and rams any and all fly imagery down your throat, just in case you’ve forgotten it’s a Fly movie. The best it can come up with is Martin being enthralled by one of those blue insect-killing lights. Which is just a bit silly really.
‘Like Father, Like Son’ was the tagline for The Fly II. Nothing could be further from the truth: in every conceivable way this offspring is inferior to its masterful parent.
